My Brother, the Comedic A-Hole
Tony told me last week he wanted to do something based on last Thursday's column. So here it is:
Need a City Council endorsement? Just give me some food
By Tony Wade
My brother Kelvin's "The Other Side" column last Thursday, which highlighted 21-year-old City Council candidate Matt Garcia's enthusiasm and vision for Fairfield, may have been perceived by many as a nice profile of an up-and-coming local leader.
I, however, see it in a different light. To me, it shows how Kelvin's endorsement can be bought with just a "ginormous sandwich" from Joe's Buffet.
Now, don't get me wrong; I ain't sayin' I'm any better. I am fully prepared to throw my support behind whoever is willing to give me a free meal, too. In fact, I decided to make it easier for City Council candidates to know up front what sort of publicity can be garnered for filling my ample belly. I came up with a program that is broken up into four plans - each representing a certain level of financial commitment and which details my return on their investment.
Here then is the Tony Wade/Fairfield City Council Candidates Gastronomical Endorsement Program
Plan No. 1, The Fast-Food Frenzy - (Burger King, Jack in the Box ) This low budget plan will net political hopefuls a brief mention in my bi-weekly "The Lowdown" column in Friday's Diversions section, but I can't guarantee I'll spell their names correctly. Two stipulations are that I get to keep any and all toys included with the meals and that the candidate must wear either a cardboard Burger King crown or, after we eat, dance around the lobby with Jack in the Box antenna toppers stuck on all their fingers.
Plan No. 2, The Breakfast of Champions - (Sandy's 101 Omelets, Jack and Linda's Country Cafe, Babs Delta Diner) A little pricier because I enjoy a hearty breakfast, this plan will get candidates a mention in my weekly "Inside the Raider Nation" column on the Sports page.
Candidate Galen Lawton may have the inside track on this one as he mentioned he is a Raiders fan in the candidates bios the Daily Republic ran a few weeks ago, but like everyone else he still has to pay for my omelet. Also, when it comes time to pony up for the meal, the candidate will be required to write on the check next to "tip" "brush after every meal."
Plan No. 3, The Feedbag - (Hometown Buffet, Great Wall Chinese Restaurant) If a candidate takes me to one of my two favorite all-you-can-eat places in town, they can look forward to a dazzling write-up on this very page on a Monday morning. Of course, "The Last Laugh" may be on them if my all-you-can-get privileges get revoked (again) because of overindulgence, as that voids the deal.
Plan No. 4, The Dinner Delight - (Red Lobster, Mimi's Cafe, Hungry Hunter) While they have to deal with my unorthodox dining behaviors (most of which I learned from Curly of The Three Stooges), this plan, while the most expensive, delivers more bang for the endorsement-buying buck. Candidates who choose the Dinner Delight will be mentioned in all three of my columns, have their names temporarily tattooed on my forehead, and I will perform an original song with a "Vote for ______" chorus on cable access channel 26 with my postpunk/polka/rap/bluegrass band "The Shameless Gluttons."
By the way, Kelvin actually insisted on paying for the Joe's Buffet sandwiches he and Matt Garcia enjoyed, but I never let little things like facts get in the way of a good chuckle.
I, however, see it in a different light. To me, it shows how Kelvin's endorsement can be bought with just a "ginormous sandwich" from Joe's Buffet.
Now, don't get me wrong; I ain't sayin' I'm any better. I am fully prepared to throw my support behind whoever is willing to give me a free meal, too. In fact, I decided to make it easier for City Council candidates to know up front what sort of publicity can be garnered for filling my ample belly. I came up with a program that is broken up into four plans - each representing a certain level of financial commitment and which details my return on their investment.
Here then is the Tony Wade/Fairfield City Council Candidates Gastronomical Endorsement Program
Plan No. 1, The Fast-Food Frenzy - (Burger King, Jack in the Box ) This low budget plan will net political hopefuls a brief mention in my bi-weekly "The Lowdown" column in Friday's Diversions section, but I can't guarantee I'll spell their names correctly. Two stipulations are that I get to keep any and all toys included with the meals and that the candidate must wear either a cardboard Burger King crown or, after we eat, dance around the lobby with Jack in the Box antenna toppers stuck on all their fingers.
Candidate Galen Lawton may have the inside track on this one as he mentioned he is a Raiders fan in the candidates bios the Daily Republic ran a few weeks ago, but like everyone else he still has to pay for my omelet. Also, when it comes time to pony up for the meal, the candidate will be required to write on the check next to "tip" "brush after every meal."
Plan No. 3, The Feedbag - (Hometown Buffet, Great Wall Chinese Restaurant) If a candidate takes me to one of my two favorite all-you-can-eat places in town, they can look forward to a dazzling write-up on this very page on a Monday morning. Of course, "The Last Laugh" may be on them if my all-you-can-get privileges get revoked (again) because of overindulgence, as that voids the deal.
Plan No. 4, The Dinner Delight - (Red Lobster, Mimi's Cafe, Hungry Hunter) While they have to deal with my unorthodox dining behaviors (most of which I learned from Curly of The Three Stooges), this plan, while the most expensive, delivers more bang for the endorsement-buying buck. Candidates who choose the Dinner Delight will be mentioned in all three of my columns, have their names temporarily tattooed on my forehead, and I will perform an original song with a "Vote for ______" chorus on cable access channel 26 with my postpunk/polka/rap/bluegrass band "The Shameless Gluttons."
By the way, Kelvin actually insisted on paying for the Joe's Buffet sandwiches he and Matt Garcia enjoyed, but I never let little things like facts get in the way of a good chuckle.
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