What if we could enforce our own driving laws?

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Let’s all enforce our own driving laws
By Kelvin Wade
From page A11 | June 06, 2013 | Leave Comment

Vallejo resident Anthony Cardenas, 52, became a local hero after painting his own crosswalk near his home on Sonoma Boulevard at Illinois Street. Cardenas claims the busy street is dangerous for pedestrians, so he painted the crosswalk and earned himself an arrest for felony vandalism and trip to jail for his trouble.

Mr. Cardenas makes me want to place my tongue firmly in cheek and take matters into my own hands to make things safer.

Have you ever had idiots zoom down your street in complete disregard for kids in the neighborhood? I’d love to creep outside at 3 a.m. with some cement and make my own speed bumps. The next time the speedsters come flying down my street, they’d make a sunroof with their own heads when they hit my new speed bump.

BAM! Problem solved.

Last week, my friend Nedra Polk asked me to write about the condition of Clay Bank Road between Air Base Parkway and East Tabor Avenue. Yes, the street looks likes Autobots and Decepticons have had a battle royal there, but it’s slated to be repaired. Or we can save money by using the same speed bump cement to make 3 a.m. pothole filling treatments.

You’ll need a partner for this next one. Buy one of those extension grabber arms that you used to pick up things out of your reach. Position your partner in the front passenger seat of your car. Now, whenever you see some reckless moron texting while driving or chatting away on a handheld cellphone, you drive next to them and your partner fishes the phone from their hands with the grabber arm and drops it on the road between the vehicles.

Another problem solved!

One of my big pet peeves is seeing someone park in a disabled parking space without a disabled placard. I say you carry a little crowbar in your trunk and when you see the person heading back to their car, POW, Nancy Kerrigan their kneecap. Make them earn that space. They’ll have a placard the next time they pull up.

Sometimes places don’t have enough disabled parking. That’s where we can take a page out of Mr. Cardenas’ book by getting some blue and white paint and a stencil and making more.

Tired of folks doing a California stop at stop signs? Between Radio Shack and YouTube you should be able to MacGyver a decent stoplight to install at those four-way stops to make sure everyone comes to a complete stop. If you need help, just consult your child. They’re way ahead of you.

Years ago, my brother Tony would express his road rage at idiot drivers by hurling packets of mustard and ketchup, paper cups and other items at them. Inspired by his lunacy, why not have drivers carry an arsenal of nonviolent weapons to communicate their displeasure with speeders, unsafe lane changers and assorted bad drivers? I’m talking about Silly String, shaving cream and maybe an 8-by-10 photo of a mooning derriere.

OK, so it would be chaos if everyone decided to enforce their own laws, even if it’s done with the best intentions. (So don’t do any of the things I suggested!)

Still, I hope the district attorney doesn’t charge Mr. Cardenas with a felony. Though his remedy was misguided, it wasn’t like he was kneecapping people who park in disabled spaces or tagging a building. He was trying to help. Cut him some slack. Peace.