The Other Side, Daily Republic 5-21-09

Taxing our way to solvency

By Kelvin Wade | | May 21, 2009 13:30

San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom is proposing a roughly 33 cent per pack tax on cigarettes sold in the city to offset the cost of picking up cigarette butts on city streets and sidewalks. In light of our rejection of Tuesday's ballot measures and a state on the brink of financial Armageddon, why not follow Newsom's lead and come up with a bevy of new taxes to save the day?

Newsom also wants to tax sugary sodas. It could be the first step in a general 'fat tax' on fast food. The beauty of it is they couldn't possibly tax it enough for us to stop eating that crap. The Golden Arches could be a gold mine.

And what about a refill tax? Nowadays people go to fast food restaurants, order a soda, drink it and then refill their empty cup like they're at some kind of beverage buffet. When I worked for my dad at his liquor store in the '80s, if we saw someone drink a fountain drink and refill it, they just bought two drinks. Tax 'em.

Are you one of those folks who eat in grocery stores? Do you put a bag of Doritos in your cart and gnaw on them while you shop and pay for the empty bag at the counter? You should be paying an in-store food consumption tax. Call it a grazing tax.

What about a video game tax? So many critics these days say we're spending our children and grandchildren's money. Why not make them start paying up now? Make that roly poly future carpal tunnel sufferer break his piggy bank open and show us the money.

Speaking of kids, how about a tax on any kind of wheeled non-motorized vehicle? I'm talking about bikes, skateboards, skates, scooters and Heelys, basically any type of wheeled transportation a kid can ride obnoxiously in public. Tax it.

Have you ever stepped in a sticky wad of someone's discarded gum or come across the DNA-laden substance stuck under desks and tables? That's why we need the gum tax.

Cell phones should have a new tax called the Annoyance Tax. Since we're going to have to listen to cutesy ring tones in quiet venues, drive with these idiots chatting away or listen to their banal conversations in public, they deserve a good taxing.

Why aren't we taxing lottery tickets? People are currently paying a dollar to lose. They'd surely pay a dollar and a quarter to lose.

There should be a dog leash tax to offset the cost and inconvenience of cleaning up after dog owners who let their pooches poop in public and not clean it up. A week ago I watched a man let his Dobie leave what looked like soft serve ice cream in a crosswalk. (Forget the tax in this case. This cries out for my patent pending Buttkicking Machine.)

Tax nighttime movie ticket prices. Why? Because if you'll pay full price rather than go to the matinee, you deserve to pay even more.

My personal favorite has always been the toilet paper tax. People would either have to pay it or bidet sales would skyrocket, which brings us to the hefty bidet tax.

Then, when conservatives revolt over all the new taxes and organize tea parties, let's kick it old school and tax their teabags! Financial crisis solved. Peace.

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This is something crazy I thought of that I thought would be interesting. Who likes paying taxes? I don't. But what I really can't stand is a bunch of little taxes spread everywhere. A hike in this rate, a user fee here, a user fee there, new tax on this, and a little of that. The Federal governments cuts taxes while the state takes it back. Then the state takes from the counties and cities and then cities have to raise taxes. It's an endless shell game. And thinking about it all makes me so nauseous I vomit up a column like this.