Keep Your Hands To Yourself

May 16, 2012 |
Domestic violence a continuing scourge
Posted by Kelvin Wade

It’s a shame that the only video I have of my deceased brother Ken is a grainy one, filmed by our dad on Thanksgiving 1989 as he “interviews” Ken and his girlfriend. While Ken makes jokes and his girlfriend jokes that he’s “hardheaded” and “crazy,” you can see the underlying tension. (It is this video that I shared with Ken’s girlfriend’s son a year ago so he would have video of his mother.)

I knew their relationship was chaotic. But what I couldn’t foresee was that in six months they’d both be dead by his hand.

According to information by SafeQuest Solano, an organization that provides domestic violence prevention education and support services for victims of violence, in the past two years, 20 men and women in Solano County died as a result of domestic violence. Five of them were murder-suicides that left a dozen children behind.

I don’t know if the numbers really describe the extent of this problem. When I look back at anecdotal incidents I’ve experienced, I know this scourge is broader and deeper than the statistics tell us.

Since my brother’s last violent act 22 years ago, I’ve been hyper-vigilant on this issue. Years ago, I had to help break up a fistfight between a married couple at a party they were throwing. Later I had to turn in the same friend to CPS when the violence extended to his kids.

I had another friend whose wife frequently lost her temper and would hit him. Unfortunately, he, like a lot of men in that situation, chose to do nothing out of sheer embarrassment. I’ve since lost touch with him.

But I haven’t only encountered domestic violence among people I know. There was the time my buddy Dan and I were driving home on Clay Bank Road and we noticed a guy in a pickup truck in front of us hitting a woman in the passenger seat. At several points she opened her door like she was going to jump out. We followed them to Solano Road, where the woman finally jumped out of the car. We were prepared to beat the guy down and asked the woman if we could take her to the hospital or police. Not surprisingly, she defended her boyfriend and left with him. I regret that we didn’t get the license plate.

Perhaps 10 years after Ken’s murder-suicide, through the bedroom window, my girlfriend Cathi and I heard our neighbors arguing. They spoke a different language but it was easy to tell it was an argument. Along with the yelling came sounds of someone being struck. We called 911 immediately.

And just in the last year, we had neighbors who would fight and I’d find myself repeatedly calling 911.

Now I don’t believe I’m a domestic violence magnet. This is a problem that knows no racial, socioeconomic or even gender boundaries. Unfortunately, we’ve seen it with former Fairfield City Councilman Frank Kardos who, upon conviction of assaulting his girlfriend, hanged himself in 2008. It’s a problem that doesn’t solve itself.

If you need a way out or know someone who needs help, you can reach SafeQuest Solano at 422-7345. Crisis Hotline: 866-487-7233. National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233. Lift3 is a local domestic violence support group and their crisis line is 425-1867.

The cost of indifference, inaction or ignorance is just too high. Peace.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
ADDITIONAL NOTES: This issue disturbs me greatly. It's disturbing because it's so complex. It's like a disease. I don't say that to excuse perpetrators. What I mean is it's insidious in that the victim often participates in covering up for the abuser. It's like trying to rescue a hostage who has Stockholm Syndrome. On top of that, when children are involved and they witness this abuse, it's almost as if they're infected with it. Often they grow up to be abusers or become victims themselves. And the pattern continues on and on. It doesn't solve itself.

It disturbs me that I was so close to a violent situation and I didn't fully appreciate it. I knew that it wasn't a healthy relationship but everyone knew that. I knew that my brother had a quick temper. Everyone knew that. But I never saw it heading to THAT conclusion. They say hindsight is twenty twenty. It is. It just sucks that it took something this horrible to develop better foresight.