Vanishing Idiots

By Kelvin 'Byg Datty' Wade

This week marked the end of the annual ‘running of the bulls’ at the San Fermin Festival in Pamplona, Spain. A man was killed last week while many others were injured running from six bulls and six steers along old cobblestone streets in a three minute race. What I’m here to tell you is that this tradition is the key to a global conspiracy. By the time you finish reading this you may even be convinced that Pamplona means Darwin in Spanish. Follow me.

The information I’m about to present to you is classified and ranked Above Top Secret. Sure, everyone knows about Area 51 and the illegal extraterrestrial aliens who snuck across our planetary border in 1947 and stole the aerospace jobs that Americans weren’t smart enough to do. Of course, the moon landing was filmed at Universal Studios. Yes, Elvis is alive and is a Wal-Mart greeter in Pensacola, Florida. And everyone knows President Obama is a Vulcan who was taken to Indonesia as a boy for ear rounding surgery.

But what I’m going to reveal here is more startling than all of that.

There exists a global conspiracy to rid the human race of idiots. Following the publication of the Ernest Hemingway novel “The Sun Also Rises” in 1926, which encouraged people to travel to Pamplona to run with the bulls, this global cabal decided to keep track of the runners and secretly serve them an extract of a South American plant that causes sterility.

The secret dosing with this extract (codenamed: Seed B Gone) has continued ever since.

It’s not just the bull runs. Criminals who drop their wallets at crime scenes, anyone calling 911 for a fast food emergency, Paris Hilton, anyone with the nickname “Bubba”, people who viewed and enjoyed Jim Varney’s Ernest movies in the 90’s, any purchaser of an SUV in the past two years and fast food workers who consistently get orders wrong are all slipped the extract.

It goes without saying that if you’ve appeared on the Jerry Springer show or ever waited on Maury Povich to announce whether or not you sired a child, your drinking water has been dosed.

Shows like American Idol, Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?, and America’s Got Talent were specifically invented to flush the dorks out into the open for later dosing.

Britney Spears, after her multiple meltdowns and her kids safely ensconced with her no-talent ex, was given a little something extra in her venti no foam, half caf, double vanilla latte. Don’t worry. Her ex-husband received the same dose.

Jon and Kate plus eight? I bet you there won’t be a ninth for either one of them.

And parts of West Virginia and Kentucky have been crop dusted regularly with the extract.

The cabal is adding new categories all the time. So, think twice before purchasing that Jonas Brothers CD.

Lastly, if you like to get drunk and perform risky stupid human tricks prefaced by the words, “Hey, watch this!”, should you survive whatever wacky stunt you’re trying to pull off, your next swig of beer might taste a little different.

Seed B Gone. Cleansing the gene pool one dork at a time.