Say you're sorry and mean it

Sorry is the hardest word
Fairfield Daily Republic
The Other Side By Kelvin Wade
March 04, 2010

Sixty percent of Americans in a recent poll believe Tiger Woods' apology last month was sincere. In the same poll, 64 percent believe the apology should be the end of the matter. That's the power of a sincere apology. The jokes seemed to have dried up overnight and the public and media have moved on to other things.

It seems the only time we hear apologies today is when someone is caught doing something and needs to try to wiggle out of responsibility. We've grown cynical about apologies. We've seen too many stand before a bank of microphones and read weak, faux apologies hoping to turn down the heat on their scandals.

We're bad at apologies in this culture because we don't teach it correctly. We don't encourage reflection. It's all rote.

Our introduction to apologies usually comes very young. It usually comes after we've done something wrong to another kid. Maybe punched him. The authority figure comes over and forces us to apologize. At that point, we hurl the apology like a dagger at the other kid. We spit an 'I'm sorry,' which actually means 'I'm not really sorry ,but mom is making me say this, idiot!'

We grow up and teach our kids to apologize in the same manner. It's a meaningless exercise because the apologizing child isn't sorry for what he/she has done. It's a perfunctory activity we make kids go through in order to make ourselves feel like they learned a lesson. They've learned nothing.

This manifests itself later when that same child will try to use 'I'm sorry' as an all-purpose pass to avoid consequences. I deal with it today with my 5-year-old grandson who can't understand why he's still being punished when he's spat an 'I'm sorry' at his sister.

We've developed and perfected the non-apology apology. It goes something like this: 'If anyone was offended, then I'm sorry.' It translates as, 'I don't think I did anything wrong, you overly sensitive dweebs. But I'm going to throw this blanket apology on the floor and you're welcome to pick it up if it'll stop your sniveling.'

It's the adult way of spitting out that rote apology.

Witness former President Bill Clinton's hollow speech in August 1998 after testifying to the grand jury about the Monica Lewinsky case. Clinton said he 'must' take responsibility, as if he was being forced. He spoke of giving people a 'false impression' and said he'd misled people. He never used the word 'sorry' or 'apologize' and sought to explain his motivation. Then he went on the attack against his detractors. It was a fairly classic non-apology apology.

Sincere apologies are important because they're powerful.

During World War II, Colorado Gov. Ralph Carr was the only elected official to publicly apologize for the internment of American citizens. The apology cost him his re-election but Denver's Japanese community erected a statue of Carr. Such is the power of an apology.

South Africa's Truth and Reconciliation Commission often brought victims and perpetrators together. Revealing the unvarnished truth of apartheid and the violence that kept the system in place, along with apologies and forgiveness, kept that nation from imploding.

The University of Michigan recently did a study that showed that when doctors apologize after a medical mistake it cuts their likelihood of being sued in half. The study also showed the costs of claims themselves were cut in half. There's your tort reform right there. But of course, doctors seldom apologize for fear of being sued.

But the study shows the power of a sincere apology.

The key is empathy. The key to a sincere apology is putting yourself in the aggrieved party's shoes and seeing what you did wrong. If you don't see it, don't say it. If you don't feel it, don't fake it. Just as a sincere apology can lower the temperature of a roiling situation, an insincere apology turns a simmer into a boil.

It's amazing what an apology can do. Peace.

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NOTES: It's an idea that's been rattling around inside my brain for a long while. I can't stand the half-assed apology. The non-apology apology is just pathetic. And I really do think we don't teach proper reflection. We teach the apology as a closure aid.

We've seen a parade of people in the public eye apologize for various misdeeds and most of the time watching them, you can't shake the idea that a PR firm wrote the apology.

I've had a situation where a doctor has made an error with life threatening consequences for me. Fortunately, I turned out okay. And it did cross my mind to sue them because not only did he do it, he was oblivious as to my condition. But what I wanted from him I knew I would never get and that was just an acknowledgment of what happened. Yes, an apology.

Think of how different society would be with sincere apologies. Neighbor feuds could possibly be nipped in the bud if one of the parties has the guts to apologize. Think of how many cases would never end up in court, especially small claims court, if people would just offer a sincere apology for their actions. Judge Judy, Joe Brown, Judge Mathis and the other 182 judges who have daytime judicial shows might be out of work.

Perhaps there's just a shocking lack of empathy out there right now. Maybe people don't have the time or inclination to put themselves in another's shoes. If that's so, what kind of world do we live in?