CALIFORNIA UP FOR SALE!

Balancing the budget? Let's get creative
By Kelvin Wade June 24, 2010

The state Legislature is considering researching electronic license plates on cars. The plates would bear the license plate number when driving but whenever stopped for more than four seconds, would provide advertising for other drivers. The motive for this is to raise money to help close the $19 billion gap in the budget. What else can we do to raise money?

Why not allow corporate sponsorship of state services? Just imagine the Turtle Wax Department of Motor Vehicles? What logo would work better at the DMV than a turtle?

What's wrong with the Golden Grahams Bridge in San Francisco? Hometown Buffet's Donner Memorial State Park? Drop a rollercoaster or two in Old Sacramento and you've got Six Flags Old Sacramento. And it's a no brainer that the Shasta Cola Company rebrands Shasta State Park.

Think about brands such as Masterlock and Brinks sponsoring state prisons. You're not breaking out of Masterlock State Prison. Perhaps we can even get Ambien, the sleep aid drug, to sponsor lethal injection. 'Works like a dream.'

What if wealthy Californians grew tired of trying to buy political office and went into the sponsorship business? Just imagine Poizner State Prison. The Meg Whitman School of Business at UCLA. Fiorina Lake Dam.

We could seize land and lucrative casinos from Native Americans. C'mon, it's not like we haven't done something like that before. We could expand gaming. Think about Sutter's Fort & Casino. The Bellagio at Angel Island.

An exciting source of revenue can be the Cannabis Gardens at Humboldt State Park.

I don't see why our beautiful state Capitol building can't be marketed like Elvis' Graceland. We can call it 'Fleeceland' and visitors can go and see just how their money is wasted on a daily basis.

Once there, visitors can buy T-shirts saying things like 'SACRAMENTO HAS SPENT BILLIONS AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT.' Or how about a shirt that lets you put the face of the state senator or Assembly member of your choosing on a horse's rear end?

Or maybe a big California Legislature bake sale. If they can cook baked goods half as well as they can cook the books. . .

Since taxpayers are shelling out cash for cars for our lawmakers, why not have those automobiles wrapped in ads? Our legislators can drive around in vehicles hawking Cialis, Summer's Eve, and Charmin Ultra. It should look like Madison Avenue blew chunks all over the fleet of state vehicles.

Why not rent out the doors on CHP vehicles for advertising? Just envision getting pulled over by a CHP with Buzz Lightyear and Woody on the doors.

The state fair is starting next month. Why not have a tip jar next to every ride, exhibit or vendor? Hey, putting together a state fair is a lot more difficult than making your iced half-caf double tall non-fat Peppermint Mocha without whip that you tip for at Starbucks. (The Solano County Fair, going on now, should take note.)

If you think these are crazy ideas, keep in mind that Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger held a garage sale for the state last year. We'll do anything to keep from making the hard choices. Peace.

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ADDITIONAL NOTES: There are really two ways to balance the budget and put our house in order in the California state government. It's the same way people have to do it in their private lives. They have to cut unnecessary and sometimes necessary spending. And they have to raise revenue. That means spending programs have to be scaled back. That means health, education and corrections. That's where the bulk of our money goes in California. Pensions have to be renegotiated. It's going to be painful. And on the flip side, you need more revenue and yes, that means taxes. Doesn't have to be income tax. It can be user fees, excise taxes, sales taxes, property taxes on commercial properties etc...

Those are the only ways I know how to do it. That's the way other states do it. I guess we can have another garage sale.