When Tragedy Turns to Horror
When suicide turns to homicide
May 12, 2011
By Kelvin Wade
It’s been a year since my brother Tony and I wrote columns about our brother Ken who killed his girlfriend and committed suicide years ago. Last week, when we discussed writing columns on domestic violence and suicide, we could not have foreseen the horrific murder-suicide on Venus Drive. (Nothing I write here pertains to that situation, as I have no knowledge of the perpetrator and victims.)
During the course of my work with the Bay Area Survivors of Suicide, I learned a lot about this taboo subject and have continued researching it. Suicide is the 11th leading cause of death in America and third for people aged 10-24. More women than men attempt suicide but more men complete suicide. And you’re still more likely to kill yourself than be murdered.
I’ve met many people who have lost loved ones by suicide. They were all horrible cases. But since I always felt like an impostor in the group because my brother had also committed murder, I was intrigued whenever I met someone who could’ve been in my circumstance.
For instance, years ago I met a woman whose husband had killed himself. Through tears, she told me the tragic story and lamented the fact that she wasn’t with him to stop him. But when she described the scene, I was horrified. Her husband had cut up their wedding pictures before killing himself. I didn’t say it to her but I suspected that had she been on the scene, she would have been killed.
So in my studies and experiences with suicides by people with mental illness, depression, anguish and the desire for escape, I soon realized that anger and rage frequently played a role. Many suicides could just have easily been murder-suicides.
Last year, I came across a study by David Kerr of Oregon State University and Deborah Capaldi of the Oregon Social Learning Center, which was funded by the National Institutes of Health. The study followed teen boys to adulthood and found that teenage males who attempted suicide were more than twice as likely to physically injure a partner in adulthood. Teens who thought about suicide but did not attempt it, did not end up being physically abusive.
The researchers speculate that the willingness to harm oneself makes it easier for that person to harm another. This makes sense. It would be reasonable to suspect that someone who devalues their life to the point where they make an attempt, probably wouldn’t value someone else’s life as highly, either.
This is yet another reason for parents of suicidal teens to get them help early. It not only may save their child’s life but prevent a widening circle of tragedy in the future. When someone receives the support and help they need, we just may be saving more than one life.
Of course, when someone is depressed or angry and suicidal, I can’t guarantee that counseling, medication or an intervention will save them. I don’t know what would have happened with my brother. Maybe he’d still be here today. Or perhaps he would’ve killed himself and spared his girlfriend. While painful for my family, it still would’ve been a better outcome. While I can’t guarantee an outcome, I do know that we have to try.
You can reach the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at (800) 273-TALK (8255), Solano County Mental Health (800) 547-0495 or Fairfield Mobile Crisis (707) 428-1131. Peace.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
ADDITIONAL NOTES: My brother Tony wrote an excellent remembrance of our brother and it's to make the point that we don't sum up his life by his final hour's actions. In a lot of ways he was a stereotypical older brother. There was an interesting dynamic. He was cool. I wanted to be just like him. He seemingly had it all. But of course, he didn't.
Just a few things......Our oldest brother, Orvis, was always left in charge when our parents were out. One day our parents were gone and I was hungry but Orvis refused to let me make a jelly sandwich. He told Ken to keep an eye on me and make sure I didn’t make a sandwich while he was in the bathroom. So Orvis went to the bathroom. Ken made me and him a jelly sandwich, with butter I might add!
He once had a picture of himself blown up into a poster. Huge. 2 by 3 feet. That was just his ego. Anyone who knew him could attest to it. Like Tony said. He may have had a big ego but he had low self-esteem. We all thought he had supreme confidence but he was obviously faking it.
He was a brat. He had the knack of finding your last nerve and getting on it. Raiders losing? You can bet your last dollar that Ken would be right there talking smack and laughing. Playing a game with Ken? Don't let him win. You'd never hear the end of it.
Ken loved war movies. He liked action movies. First Blood, Rambo...He told me his favorite genre of movie was the "Go in and Get 'em Out" movie. There's an objective (someone is being held hostage) and the action here has to go in and get 'em out. So it wasn't surprising that he became a correctional officer and member of the SERT team at CMF prison. But I suspect his interest in law enforcement was his secret longing to be like our older brother, Orvis.
On the Friday before he died, he was at the Wade compound. I’d just come home from work and spotted him outside in the back yard talking to Tony while Tony was hanging laundry on the clothesline. I quietly backtracked and went over to a friend’s house. Ken had recently returned from SERT team training and would talk nonstop about PR-24 baton tactics, rapelling down walls and other things he’d done. I’d heard the stories so much, I hid from him.
I spent the next day partying with friends at Lake Berryessa. We got into a minor car accident on the way home. I went over to Orvis’ house. Later on a friend called and said he and some others and Ken were partying over at his house. He asked us if we wanted to come over. I was tired and declined.
The next time I saw Ken was at the Fairfield Funeral Home.
For a long time after his death, I was haunted by the fact that I’d missed two last opportunities to see him.
And I've been haunted by the fact that he left two kids without their mother. I felt guilty because I used to babysit those kids. I heard their fights. And though it's pointless in the aftermath, you always end up spending some time wondering, "What if?" Today, I'm so blessed that I've reestablished contact with one of those kids. He's a great guy. Wise beyond his years. Amazing.
Comments