I'M CHANNELING MY DAD


Fathering lessons from my father
Fairfield Daily Republic June 16, 2011 Kelvin Wade

As the only Wade brother who doesn’t have kids, I’ve been fortunate to be a “grandfather” to Cathi’s grandchildren, 14-year-old Lauryn (who I’ve known since she was 5 months old) and 6-year-old Kawika. Since the kids’ fathers have been in the military and/or working overseas, I’ve had a lot of time to interact with and influence them. A lot of how I am with them is due to my father.

From my dad I learned to be consistent with discipline. If my dad took off his belt, you were getting a beating. Johnnie Cochran couldn’t have talked his way out of a whupping from my dad. The most we could do is turn state’s evidence against our brothers to lessen our punishment and get them in trouble.

My father spoke in such a way that noncompliance was just not an option. I couldn’t imagine telling him, “No, I’m not doing it.” I have no idea what would’ve happened if we tried that but I suspect you wouldn’t be reading Tony or me now.

My dad was consistent with rewards, too. When we were kids living in Norfolk, Va., our dad would take us to Ocean View Amusement Park, picnics sponsored by the U.S. Navy, camping and to the park to play.

He used to teach a class at church. Tony would stay behind and help him clean up. Then my dad would take him to Burger King afterward. Tony was kind enough to tell me about it and I stayed and helped and reaped the benefits as well.

This isn’t to say it was like Oprah’s Favorite Things in our house. More often than not, my dad got his “No” out before we even finished asking the question. But I’m saying our dad came through. He wasn’t one of those dads who promised to do something and then didn’t deliver. He never left us hanging.

It’s important to play with your kids. One of the first things our dad did when we bought a house in Fairfield in 1976 was to have a basketball court installed in our backyard so he could play ball with us. Lots of fun (and aggravating) times were had on that court.

It’s amazing our table withstood my dad’s fierce domino slamming. And my dad was like Criss Angel with a deck of cards, double-dealing like crazy when we played Spades. The man loved to win and if that meant bending a few rules, that was how he rolled. No board game was too crazy for him and he continued playing with us as adults.

He was a good provider. Whether it was serving in the Navy, running a convenience store, or working for the Department of Defense, he always earned a living. He always liked to have something going on the side as well. Good dads support their families.

It’s important to be your kids’ biggest fan. Now, our dad never sugarcoated anything so he wasn’t afraid to tell us when we stank. But he was there. Whether it was being a loudmouthed fan at football or basketball games at Armijo, heckling the ump at Little League games, cheering Scott’s Scarlet Brigade performances or being the biggest supporter of my column, he was always watching. When our parents divorced and he moved to Vallejo, he was still always there supporting us.

My dad was no saint. He had flaws and made mistakes my brothers and I work to avoid. As you grow older you learn to take the good, learn from the bad and use it all.

So here’s to all the dads who support and raise their kids. Happy Father’s Day. Peace.
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ADDITIONAL NOTES: A lot of kids talk back these days and I just couldn't imagine doing that with my dad. It was a different world back then. If you had a smartalecky retort, you said it in your head. We avoided beatings with the "Nobody tells on nobody" agreement. BUT if one person got a beating, that person would always try to implicate someone else. Whuppings were contagious.

It's funny to me when I hear things my dad (and mom) said coming out of my mouth when I'm talking to the grandkids. The beauty of it is that I know that when all is said and done and I'm long gone from this earth, Lauryn and Kawika are going to find my words coming out of their mouths one day (along with the words of their parents). It's unavoidable. That's why you're always hoping you're doing and saying the right things.

Dad's been gone now going on 8 years. It's hard to believe. He was quite the character.

Comments

justcathib said…
I had the pleasure of knowing your dad for a few years before he passed. I remember being coached by you and your brothers that he will ask me a million questions when he first met me. And he DID! Gosh, by the time that first holiday meal was done, he knew enough to start a CIA dossier on me! And he wasn't shy either! He would test you to see how you reacted to his teasing. If you couldn't take it, beware! You were now the family target. But if you gave it right back, you gained his respect. No room for the fainthearted in this family! Now, at family gatherings, I often sit back and just listen to the banter back and forth between the boys. Arguing over who got the best re-gift! Laughing over a hamburger with a bite out of it wrapped up for Christmas. And retelling the stories of family adventures twisting the truth just a little....I'm glad I met him. I wish he was still with us to keep sharing his wealth of tales and encouraging his sons to continue to be the men he raised so proudly.
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