PUT SOME DANG CLOTHES ON


Nobody wants to see your junk

By Kelvin Wade

This week a San Francisco Supervisor introduced legislation that would require nudists to cover their seat when sitting in public and to cover up when they go into restaurants. What? Are you kidding me? This may be an incredibly naïve question but I’m going to ask it anyway. Why are you allowing people to walk around naked in public?

This reminds me of when the city banned public urination and defecation some years ago. So relieving yourself in public was perfectly before? Why wouldn’t that have been one of the first five or six laws passed when the city was founded?

Of course, San Francisco has a tradition of public nudity. Nude runners run in the annual Bay to Breakers race. One can see some of everything at the gay pride parade. And for years the city hosted the annual Exotic Erotic Ball where some attended au naturale.

So, apparently this law is necessary because in the Castro there is a group of men who like to walk around in public in the buff. I haven’t seen these men and I have no desire to see them. Isn’t it the strangest thing that the people most inclined to be nudists are people that no one would want to see naked? You want to see Taylor Lautner or Megan Fox and you end up seeing Kevin James or Rosie O’Donnell.

I guess this law is necessary. After all, would you want to sit on a park bench after someone sat on it naked? Would you want to be eating in a restaurant with nude people walking by your table? How appetizing would that be? Whatever happened to “No shoes. No Shirt. No service.”

My girlfriend asked me if it would make a difference if it was Beyonce strolling nude through that restaurant. NO. I've got nothing against looking at hot naked women. I'm a pretty normal red-blooded American male. But I don't want anyone walking naked around my food. I don't want to see that.

But maybe the rest of us are too uptight. After all, one nudist complained that the city making them carry a towel is just “nanny-statism.” Who knows? Maybe we’d boost attendance at the Solano County Fair or the Tomato Festival if we allowed people to stroll about in the altogether. You’d definitely reduce shoplifting if shoppers in the mall were nude.

But let’s get real. Even Berkeley banned public nudity in 1993. You don’t have to be a prude or a believer in nanny government to not want to look at someone’s genitals in public.

There’s a point when tolerance just becomes crazy.

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