I'M ON SANTA'S NICE LIST...FOR NOW


December 22, 2011 | Daily Republic
I’m on Santa’s nice list, for now
by Kelvin Wade

Dear Santa,

Thank you for putting me on the “nice list,” even though my brother Tony tried to knock me off of it.

I want to clear up the libelous content of Tony’s “The Last Laugh” column where he claimed I called a neighborhood man “Slander Man” after the man accused me of throwing rocks in his pool. Whether my friend and I threw rocks in his pool is irrelevant because the man didn’t see us do it. He assumed it. And it was my friend who labeled him “Slander Man” for impugning our good names.

Besides, that was 100 years ago and since you know when I’m awake and when I’m sleeping (like some twisted old fat stalker, no offense), you know I’ve tried to be good.

For instance, anyone who knows me knows that I used to have neighbors from H-E-double hockey sticks. It was like every day they woke up and discovered they were the next contestants on Just-How-Big-a-Jerk-Can-I-Be-Today? But did I set their house on fire or spray them with the garden hose? Nope. And while I may have contemplated looking for a used Predator Drone on Craigslist, I didn’t do it. I didn’t descend to their level and they moved. Whew!

Recently when my 6-year-old grandson Kawika had a loose tooth, I offered to remove it the same way I offered to remove his sister Lauryn’s loose tooth when she was his age.

Years ago, I picked up a hammer and asked Lauryn if she’d like me to remove her tooth. She said, “You aren’t going to hit my tooth with a hammer, are you?” “Good heavens, no, ” I said, picking up a screwdriver, “I’m going to hit this screwdriver while it’s against your tooth.” Both kids declined but at least I offered to help them.

A kid left a pizza flier on my front door knob and banged on the door Wednesday when everyone knows I view solicitors the same way a Republican views tax hikes on the wealthy. And while I could’ve easily reached the youngster with the egg in my hand, I decided to let him go on about his business.

The other day in the drive-thru at Starbucks when the barista demonstrated that she had no idea what the difference between a teaspoon and a cup of half ‘n’ half was, I could have slung a cup of coffee through the window as a liquid reminder, but I chose to use my words instead. And none of the words I used had four letters.

I know this isn’t exactly your deal, Santa, but when recently accosted by an ungodly big-box store employee who had the nerve to say “happy holidays!” to me, I turned and said, “merry Christmas!” and he almost vaporized on the spot. Score one for baby Jesus, even though I don’t really know how you and the savior work out your holiday sharing thing. Is it like a timeshare? Sorry. It’s none of my business.

So you see I’ve been working hard to stay on the “nice list.” With that said, I only want one thing.

I’m in an abusive relationship with a football team that I love but they keep hurting me. I thought things would improve since the owner went to the Black Hole in the Sky, but it really hasn’t. So, all I want is for the Oakland Raiders to have a winning season.

If you can’t deliver this Santa, then put me on the naughty list and bad neighbors, loose-toothed kids, solicitors and clueless baristas better watch out!

Merry Christmas! Peace on Earth.

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