Laws I'd Like To See


Column originally published 1-4-07
Here are ideal laws for common man
By Kelvin Wade

A variety of new laws go into effect this year. A higher minimum wage, new laws that protect pets, and in July California motorists will have to use a hands-free device to talk on cell phones while driving. But there are a lot of other laws I'd like to see enacted.

We need to institute the Fat Tax, an extra tax on fast food or maybe everything that includes "high fructose corn syrup" as an ingredient. Do you realize the money we'd raise in this state? Do you realize the money we'd raise off me alone?

People who disrupt public gatherings with cell phones should have their phones taken away. Everyone knows to silence those babies at certain public functions. My granddaughter Lauryn's school has something called the "June Box." You don't want your personal items ending up in that box. We should have June boxes for the inconsiderate.

Just like traffic school for ticketed drivers, there should be Home Training 101 classes for people ticketed for road rage, dropping F bombs and disturbing peace.

Modeled on the National Do Not Call Registry, there should be a Do-Not-Mail-Me-Political-Ads Registry. People should be able to opt out of glossy mailers filled with half-truths, innuendo and spin in pre-election weeks.

This week, my brother Tony had a scary man vs. beast standoff with an angry Pitbull. I propose a law that let's you go all Dirty Harry. If attacked, I should be able to scramble a vicious dog's DNA with my .357 without fear of weapons charges.

How about a law that defines who can be tipped? If you're a waiter or cabdriver, I can see tipping you. If you're making my drink at Starbucks or rolling up my burrito at a Mexican restaurant, you've got nothing coming. The tip jar is popping up everywhere. I'm thinking about attaching a little envelope next to my column.

Imagine a law that allows pumping gas or entering any public building without being hit for money or signing a petition.

What about a law that fined sick people for being out in public? If you know you're violently ill and you come to work or school touching keyboards and telephones and door handles, and infecting others, shouldn't there be a penalty? If I slap you in the face, there's legal recourse. If I cough in your face and you're sick for two weeks, there's nothing you can do.

What about better enforcement and stiffer penalties for parking infractions? I'm talking about the guy who takes up two parking spaces.

Finally, for those concerned about public indecency, how about a law banning televised Oakland Raider games? So a half a second of Janet Jackson's breast is obscene and four quarters worth of the Raiders offense isn't? Let's get our priorities straight.

How about passing some laws we can really use?

Kelvin Wade is a writer and lives in Fairfield. E-mail him at kelvinjwade@aol.com or visit his blog at www.dailyrepublic.typepad.com/theothers

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Remembering Matt Garcia

Image
Ten years ago, I woke up and turned on my laptop and went to the Daily Republic website and was devastated to learn of the shooting of Fairfield City Councilman Matt Garcia. I immediately called my brother Tony who answered and knew why I was calling. We shared our shock and horror. But mainly we just cried together on the phone. Later when Matt had been removed from life support and passed away I told Tony that it felt like hope itself had died. He told me, “Matt has inspired too many people to let hope die. But hope took a beating today.” It seemed like some horrible cosmic joke. Twenty-one year old Matt Garcia, elected to the Fairfield City Council on a platform of supporting youth and curbing violence is murdered on the streets of Fairfield. What's worse, his killer mistook him for someone else. It was a pointless act of evil in which a worthless example of a human being took the life of a priceless one. In 2007 Matt invited me to lunch at Joe's Buffet to discuss...
Read more

What if we could enforce our own driving laws?

Image
Thursday, June 6, 2013 Let’s all enforce our own driving laws By Kelvin Wade From page A11 | June 06, 2013 | Leave Comment Vallejo resident Anthony Cardenas, 52, became a local hero after painting his own crosswalk near his home on Sonoma Boulevard at Illinois Street. Cardenas claims the busy street is dangerous for pedestrians, so he painted the crosswalk and earned himself an arrest for felony vandalism and trip to jail for his trouble. Mr. Cardenas makes me want to place my tongue firmly in cheek and take matters into my own hands to make things safer. Have you ever had idiots zoom down your street in complete disregard for kids in the neighborhood? I’d love to creep outside at 3 a.m. with some cement and make my own speed bumps. The next time the speedsters come flying down my street, they’d make a sunroof with their own heads when they hit my new speed bump. BAM! Problem solved. Last week, my friend Nedra Polk asked me to write about the condition of Clay Bank Road between Air B...
Read more

The reason I've ditched my earphones at night

Monday, August 26, 2013 FAIRFIELD-SUISUN, CALIFORNIA Accident convinces me to ditch my iPad By Kelvin Wade From page A7 | August 22, 2013 | 4 Comments I’ve been an insomniac for years. I used to embrace my insomnia by putting on a pot of coffee at night and doing some of my best writing while the stars were out. I wrote about having a sleep study a couple of months ago and one of the things the analyst told me is I have to stay off my iPad in bed. That hasn’t happened. But recently, my girlfriend Cathi stumbled upon a cure for my nightly iPad habit. So there I was in the middle of the night in bed with earphones in listening to an awesome version of Paul McCartney and Wings’ “Live and Let Die” while pummeling various victims in “Words with Friends” on my iPad when I heard a boom. I turned on a lamp and saw my Beagle, Theo, panting at the bedroom door. I thought he’d jumped against the door to get my attention. Lately, he’s had to go out a lot at night (a dog with the bladder of a mouse...
Read more