Paris-Neutral

Printed on: Thu, Jun 28, 2007
How Paris Hilton can help the world
By Kelvin Wade

It's time for Paris Hilton credits. Here me out. Carbon credits are a way for companies to run their business in a carbon neutral way. For instance, a company that may release a thousand tons of pollutants in the atmosphere may buy carbon credits from another company that will plant enough trees to offset the damage to the environment. The same can be done for Hilton.

I came to the conclusion we need Paris Hilton credits after logging onto my home page, CNN, and finding that Hilton's release from jail was the top story. Later, I was watching CNN on television and I sat through a Paris Hilton story. At least five points swan-dived off my I.Q. Paris Hilton Credits are the answer.

This bimbo could be doing loads of good around the country. She could endorse a product and a dollar from each sale of that product could go to some charity or worthy cause. While we hope and pray funds for things like an after-school program makes it through the Senate, Hilton could raise that money in a hurry. Her celebrity brings in big bucks for the entertainment industry. Why not do some good with it?

She could follow the path of Angelina Jolie and earn respectability by taking on a cause.

But until that happens, the media and public who dine at the diamond-encrusted boots of this blonde nymphet should do their best to be Paris-neutral.

Magazines who worship at the altar of Paris like the National Enquirer, Star, People and Us Weekly should be making regular donations to MADD, SADD, RIF or any other organization with an acronym dedicated to making the rest of us as un-Paris-like as possible.

If you're a regular reader of all things Paris, you've got to do something to make yourself Paris-neutral. You're the ones who have extended her 15 minutes way past the expiration point. Do something. When you buy that tabloid rag, drop an equal amount of change into whatever charity container is sitting on the checkout counter. Or buy one of those kids in developing countries that Sally Struthers used to hawk on late night TV.

NBC denies it was prepared to offer Hilton a million dollars for her first post-jail interview but if it had, shouldn't that money have gone to a third-party as an offset? The United Negro College Fund with their slogan "A mind is a terrible thing to waste" would've been worthy recipients.

Instead, CNN's Larry King Live got the first Paris interview for free. Why should they get to enjoy this windfall? How about Larry opens up his fat wallet and donates to a scholarship fund for women's colleges?

Why do we need to do this? Paris Hilton is Damien Thorn in Prada shoes. Her image, which she claims is an act, is one of a vain, vacuous, partying heirhead. The Hilton Circus has brought us the perennially foul-mouthed and skeletal Nicole Richie, the often drunk, drug-using Lindsay Lohan and of course, the meltdown queen, Britney Spears. It's been a pop culture race to the bottom.

Why do we continue to see this talentless woman who is famous for being rich and famous on our screens? Because of those who continue to watch and read about her. The least you can do is help out society to offset your shameless interest in this woman.

And for writing this, Mission Solano, you've got a donation coming.