Come Home When The Street Lights Come On

Parents who care are tough

By Kelvin Wade | | October 24, 2007 16:57

Bill Cosby has a new book co-written with Dr. Alvin Poussaint, professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School called 'Come On People: On the Path from Victims to Victors.' Cosby has been an outspoken advocate of better parenting, especially in the black community.

On a recent episode of NBC's Meet the Press, Cosby mentioned a minister friend of his who'd done time in prison. The minister said from time to time the guard would shake down the cells searching for weapons and contraband. He said that parents need to do the same with their children's rooms to find out what they're up to.

My mother implemented just such a policy. When I was a teen in one of my drawers, hidden beneath disheveled clothing sat two bottles of wine, a few cans of beer and packs of cigarettes. Imagine my horror when I went to retrieve my secret stash one day and found empty bottles of wine, empty beer cans and empty packs of cigarettes.

My mother shook down my room while I was at school and dumped the contraband and left the empty evidence for me to find. She never said anything to me about what she'd found or done but the message was delivered and received.

In my top drawer was my diary. I never knew if she'd read it or not. I resented what I felt was an infringement on my privacy. And I know today that parents are split on this issue: some parents don't want to invade their children's privacy while others believe as long as the child is under their roof, they have no privacy.

As a teen, I was miffed. As an adult, safety and security trumps privacy. Parenthood isn't a democracy. It's a benevolent dictatorship.

I'll give you another example of proper parental involvement. One time when we were teens my best friend, Dan, and I were hanging out at Tolenas Park up the street from our houses. We were chillin', talking to a couple of girls. It was dark and we'd blown off the rule about being home when the street lights came on. Besides, did I mention we were talking to some girls? From behind us came a screeching authoritative voice. It was Dan's mother standing 10 feet behind us in a nightgown telling us to get home. Having your mom yell at you to get home while you're trying to score points with some girls is basically verbal neutering. We never saw those girls again. We couldn't show our faces.

We resented it at the time, but we were fortunate that we had parents who cared enough to find out what we were up to and not let us shirk our responsibilities. Now don't get me wrong. My parents weren't perfect and I certainly did my share of dirt. You're not going to be able to watch your teenagers 24/7. Growing up is about pushing those limits and learning to make responsible decisions. But at least my friends and I had parents who tried. That's the point Cosby and Poussaint are making in the book.

It may take a village to raise a child but it starts at home with the parents. Peace.
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NOTES: I put a lot of pressure on parents because they're the first line of defense. There comes a time when a parents influence will wane and their children's peers and society mores may eclipse it. But that's why its so important for parents to get that headstart, to instill those values.. And then later on, it's up to the parents to have those good open lines of communication. if they don't have that, its up to the parents to find out what they're up to.

Remember the Columbine killers' parents who didn't know their kids had guns, bombs and twisted websites? It can be gravely important to know what your kids are up to. There are so many things they can be into right under your nose.

One more note: Dan's mother, JoAnn Gray, passed away on the day this column ran. She's just been one more positive influence in my life growing up. My condolences to the Gray family.