From the Glad It's Over Dept.
There was a delay posting last week's column due to the holidays and a website glitch. Here it is in it's entirety.
Christmas, far from being the most wonderful time of the year as the song goes, is probably the most stressful time of the year.
Parking is atrocious. Granted most of us can use the exercise of walking a bit to get into our favorite store but its frustrating circling around a parking lot looking for an open space.
Have you noticed that every store is packed at Christmastime? You wonder where all people were the other 11 months out of the year.
Have you ever stood in line at the post office to mail a package during the Christmas season? The clerks tend to move even more glacially than normal. The seven irritated people in front of you could very easily be labeled Dopey, Grumpy, Sneezy, Sleepy . . ..
Most of us probably need Santa to deliver some patience for Christmas.
If you have kids you might be faced with a lengthy Christmas list. Santa's not Bill Gates so the Wii, the Guitar Hero, the iPhone, and the laptop just aren't happening. Kids don't know that parents would love to give them all that stuff and see their faces light up. Parents live for that. But wallets and practicality interfere.
Then there's that time spent wandering the aisles in stores like a zombie wondering what to get Person X.
Sometimes you find yourself in a store on Christmas Eve wondering where the time went.
Invariably, someone gives you a gift you weren't expecting. Then the Law of Reciprocity kicks in. You feel obligated to get them something. And instead of a warm gesture, it becomes another item on your to do list.
If you have to travel on Christmas, that brings its own headaches. There's nothing cheery about creeping along slightly faster than a postal worker on the freeway.
Have you noticed how sloppy you wrap gifts when you wrap presents on Christmas Eve? You're fighting the absurdity of it all: wrapping presents that are going to be opened less than 24 hours later.
Then there's the matter of Christmas dinner. Where are you having it? What are you having? Who's cooking? If you're eating somewhere else, what are you bringing for dinner?
There just never seems to be enough time at Christmastime. We're rushed. We're harried. We fret.
Of course when the festivities are over, when the gifts have been opened, the dinner eaten, games played and you're all laughed out, it was all worth it.
But we still make a pledge to do things differently next year.
However, next year I can run this same column again without changing a thing.
In the midst of it all, try to have yourself a merry little Christmas. Peace.
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Best Gag Gift Ever
My brother, Tony, wrote about the Wade Christmas today. Here is his article:
The murky, lurky side of Christmas
By Kelvin Wade | | December 25, 2008 12:34
There is a war on Christmas. But not the one you're thinking about. I'm talking about Christmas contempt. Underneath a lot of the faux good cheer and syrupy entreaties to have a 'Merry Christmas' lies the beating heart of a Grinch. And I'm talking about the one that's two sizes too small, before the Grinch got his Christmas makeover.Christmas, far from being the most wonderful time of the year as the song goes, is probably the most stressful time of the year.
Parking is atrocious. Granted most of us can use the exercise of walking a bit to get into our favorite store but its frustrating circling around a parking lot looking for an open space.
Have you noticed that every store is packed at Christmastime? You wonder where all people were the other 11 months out of the year.
Have you ever stood in line at the post office to mail a package during the Christmas season? The clerks tend to move even more glacially than normal. The seven irritated people in front of you could very easily be labeled Dopey, Grumpy, Sneezy, Sleepy . . ..
Most of us probably need Santa to deliver some patience for Christmas.
If you have kids you might be faced with a lengthy Christmas list. Santa's not Bill Gates so the Wii, the Guitar Hero, the iPhone, and the laptop just aren't happening. Kids don't know that parents would love to give them all that stuff and see their faces light up. Parents live for that. But wallets and practicality interfere.
Then there's that time spent wandering the aisles in stores like a zombie wondering what to get Person X.
Sometimes you find yourself in a store on Christmas Eve wondering where the time went.
Invariably, someone gives you a gift you weren't expecting. Then the Law of Reciprocity kicks in. You feel obligated to get them something. And instead of a warm gesture, it becomes another item on your to do list.
If you have to travel on Christmas, that brings its own headaches. There's nothing cheery about creeping along slightly faster than a postal worker on the freeway.
Have you noticed how sloppy you wrap gifts when you wrap presents on Christmas Eve? You're fighting the absurdity of it all: wrapping presents that are going to be opened less than 24 hours later.
Then there's the matter of Christmas dinner. Where are you having it? What are you having? Who's cooking? If you're eating somewhere else, what are you bringing for dinner?
There just never seems to be enough time at Christmastime. We're rushed. We're harried. We fret.
Of course when the festivities are over, when the gifts have been opened, the dinner eaten, games played and you're all laughed out, it was all worth it.
But we still make a pledge to do things differently next year.
However, next year I can run this same column again without changing a thing.
In the midst of it all, try to have yourself a merry little Christmas. Peace.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Best Gag Gift Ever
My brother, Tony, wrote about the Wade Christmas today. Here is his article:
Christmas is over and now its time to hand out the awards
By Tony Wade | | December 29, 2008 23:59
The results are in for the 2008 Wade Christmas Awards. It was truly one for the books as many of the winners in the various categories could have gone either way.
I tried to get Billy Crystal or Whoopi Goldberg to host this Award column but was turned down. Maybe next year I'll try Weird Al
. . . anyway, here are the winners:
Best look of surprise
Our daughter Kaci's wide-eyed look as she opened the laptop computer my wife and I got for her.
Most unintentionally cruel stocking stuffer
My wife found some Baskin-Robbins Pralines and Cream hard candy (the namesake ice cream is my favorite of the 31 flavors), which I was excited about when I saw it among the nuts and Three Stooges Cartoon DVDs in my stocking.
Unfortunately, Beth mistakenly thought the candy was sugar-free. Being that I am diabetic, I don't do sugar anymore. Oh, the humanity!
Simultaneously the best
and worst gift
My brother Kelvin and his girlfriend Cathi gave each of us an envelope stating that they had made a donation on our behalf to Mission Solano's Rays of Hope campaign to help get people back on their feet.
It was the best gift obviously because it helps those in dire straits. It was the worst because it made people like me who eschewed dropping hints to my wife about what I wanted for Christmas and just went to Best Buy, bought the Beatles Love DVD and wrapped it up for myself feel really, really self-centered.
You can't drink enough egg nog to wash down a chunk o' guilt that big. Thanks a lot.
Most serendipitous gift
Edie Kirk, the mother of my brother Orvis' wife Patty, was visiting from Virginia. Two days before Christmas, I couldn't think of anything to get for her, so I grabbed a box of chocolates. It turns out her husband of 51 years who recently passed away used to give her similar chocolates every year.
Christmas dinner best of show
(tie) Edie's Virginia ham and Patty's pepperoncini-enhanced collard greens.
Most inappropriate Christmas conversation
Kelvin and I gave each other incredulous looks as Patty's brother, Phillip, and his mom had a chat about auto-erotic suicide. I made a mental note to next year give them the gift of the handy book '101 Christmas Conversation Starters.'
Best Christmas day vengeance
My Lakers ending the Celtics' 19-game winning streak.
Best gag gifts
Honorable mention: Kaci gets a real attagirl for her admirable attempts at a Wade Gag Gift. She gave me and my brothers Hannah Montana crayons and Tigger or Disney Princess cardboard dominoes.
Runner-up: Yours truly. I gifted my brother Orvis with phonograph records --'Robert Goulet Sings Today's Hits,' 'Pat Boone sings Irving Berlin' and a collection of polka jams. To Kelvin, I gave Tony Orlando and Dawn and Bill Withers 8-tracks.
I gotta give a shout out to Charlene at We Got It on North Texas Street for having the spot for inexpensive gag and real gifts.
Winner of the coveted Best Gag Gifts for 2008 was Kelvin. Taking a gift from Patty, he quickly stuck it in a box and Orvis opened it none the wiser. He upstaged that, though, by his gag gift to me.
Can you believe this fool went to Jack in the Box that morning, got a hamburger, took a big honkin' chomp out of it so it looked like the letter 'C' and then wrapped it up for me? Classic.
I tried to get Billy Crystal or Whoopi Goldberg to host this Award column but was turned down. Maybe next year I'll try Weird Al
. . . anyway, here are the winners:
Best look of surprise
Our daughter Kaci's wide-eyed look as she opened the laptop computer my wife and I got for her.
Most unintentionally cruel stocking stuffer
My wife found some Baskin-Robbins Pralines and Cream hard candy (the namesake ice cream is my favorite of the 31 flavors), which I was excited about when I saw it among the nuts and Three Stooges Cartoon DVDs in my stocking.
Unfortunately, Beth mistakenly thought the candy was sugar-free. Being that I am diabetic, I don't do sugar anymore. Oh, the humanity!
Simultaneously the best
and worst gift
My brother Kelvin and his girlfriend Cathi gave each of us an envelope stating that they had made a donation on our behalf to Mission Solano's Rays of Hope campaign to help get people back on their feet.
It was the best gift obviously because it helps those in dire straits. It was the worst because it made people like me who eschewed dropping hints to my wife about what I wanted for Christmas and just went to Best Buy, bought the Beatles Love DVD and wrapped it up for myself feel really, really self-centered.
You can't drink enough egg nog to wash down a chunk o' guilt that big. Thanks a lot.
Most serendipitous gift
Edie Kirk, the mother of my brother Orvis' wife Patty, was visiting from Virginia. Two days before Christmas, I couldn't think of anything to get for her, so I grabbed a box of chocolates. It turns out her husband of 51 years who recently passed away used to give her similar chocolates every year.
Christmas dinner best of show
(tie) Edie's Virginia ham and Patty's pepperoncini-enhanced collard greens.
Most inappropriate Christmas conversation
Kelvin and I gave each other incredulous looks as Patty's brother, Phillip, and his mom had a chat about auto-erotic suicide. I made a mental note to next year give them the gift of the handy book '101 Christmas Conversation Starters.'
Best Christmas day vengeance
My Lakers ending the Celtics' 19-game winning streak.
Best gag gifts
Honorable mention: Kaci gets a real attagirl for her admirable attempts at a Wade Gag Gift. She gave me and my brothers Hannah Montana crayons and Tigger or Disney Princess cardboard dominoes.
Runner-up: Yours truly. I gifted my brother Orvis with phonograph records --'Robert Goulet Sings Today's Hits,' 'Pat Boone sings Irving Berlin' and a collection of polka jams. To Kelvin, I gave Tony Orlando and Dawn and Bill Withers 8-tracks.
I gotta give a shout out to Charlene at We Got It on North Texas Street for having the spot for inexpensive gag and real gifts.
Winner of the coveted Best Gag Gifts for 2008 was Kelvin. Taking a gift from Patty, he quickly stuck it in a box and Orvis opened it none the wiser. He upstaged that, though, by his gag gift to me.
Can you believe this fool went to Jack in the Box that morning, got a hamburger, took a big honkin' chomp out of it so it looked like the letter 'C' and then wrapped it up for me? Classic.
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